its been a while

so i realize its been a while since i posted last. i apologize, i was fairly busy. but i do have a topic to talk about that is very near and dear to my heart-cuddling. see, now im my friend group it is natural to snuggle, hell its wierd when we dont. not that im complaining. i love it actually. how can you not? its just so comforting and theres just something about it that can make things better. though it is best to cuddle when its cold, otherwise heat stroke may kick in. i already like being close to women, but with friends its better. you can grab their ass and they know youre kidding so all they do is grab yours back! aggression is already sexy anyway. but seriously, i can get away with so much more than any guy could with my friends, and yet i like the same sex as them. i guess liking the same sex has its advantages as well. the best part is that ive even told them that exact thing-that i get away with more than any guy-and they still let me! like im immune to getting in trouble like a guy. and my friends are very physical, they like touch. and who can blame them, i do too. we'd rather be all squished onto one couch than spread out like normal people. someones always holding hands or under someone elses arms or leaning on someones shoulder. i swear sometimes their sexuality is so ambiguous its rediculous. except for one girl who loves the dick. but hey, someone has to.

a sad day in deed

so, my grandfather passed away last night. i never really knew him well, but it is the first death that has touched my life through my family. he was my dads moms husband (my fathers parents divorced and remarried so i have three paris of grandparents) and its shaken me up. life is so short, and death can come at anytime, to anyone. it makes you grateful for what you have and how quickly it can all be taken away. ive never even been to a funeral before, and now here i am. it doesnt even feel like its real. i never saw my grandpa much, only at christmas time.

my grandfather lived a happy long life, but not everyone does. and thats what scares me. i might die before i am ready to go. and what then? mostly what i hope to find before i die, is find someone to loave. i hope thats not too much to ask, of whatever higher being there is. i believe in God, but im no religious nut. i just hope i get to love someone as much as i know i can. i like to think i have a big heart, and i want to use it.

the look

you know how certain faces have the unique ability to make you weak at the knees, your heart beat fast, and your stomach to flips? that,my friends, is the look. you get it when youve done something wrong or said something stupid. but sometimes its worth it. its such a turn on, youll take the annoyance that goes with it. because then you can make it up to her in some way *ahem* so that she'll forgive you.

its even sexier with a gun.

no one could win against her in a stare down to the death. look at that fiery gaze.

she must mean buisness.

"you broke my heart"

i will say to you

"but its no big deal"

ill continue

and my voice will falter

when i finish what i had to say

but i will be thinking "yes it is"

as you walk away

"it is a big deal to me"

i'll scream in my head

im broken completely

how long can i keep lying to her?

now i realize all my writing is all angsty and pathetic-licious. and i have much to be grateful for, but without the bad how can you appreciate the wonderful? its just easier for me to write about the worse things that the better ones. though i usually remember the exact opposite, i guess its because i write down and forget about the bad parts. and that leaves me time to think of girls, mostly.

Lonliness
Unyielding abandonment
Could anything hurt more than
Keeping it all inside my self


I only know one way out
Supposed to use only in emergencies
Never has
Tthere been more need


Open season on my
Nearly whole being


Mentally not such a good choice
Young but easily broken


Stuck alone in the dark
Intimate with fear
Dont want to be another statistic
Entirely on my own, i struggle


Luck isnt on my side.




i never seem to win any competitions. competing for a girl is no different. how am i supposed to jockey against a guy? i mean, sure, i know id be better for someone than some other guy. but how am i supposed to prove that to the object of my affection. well, first it helps if shes gay, and not straight. if she IS straight then its just a lost cause-though there is something appealing about those for me. If shes bi, its a little bit harder, because she could go either way. like my friend.
for example, one night i was hanging out with my friends and my one girl friend-i'll call her hope-goes over to this guy friend-ill call him zander-and just plops down on the floor in front of him. he gives her a massage, and she seems happy. then out of nowhere hope comes over to me and lays her head on my stomach (no idea why). so i begin to play with her hair, because i know almost every girl likes that. and hope seems happy there. then zander offers her another massage, and shes a massage whore, so she goes back over there. now that is playing both sides of the fense, only between friends who dont mind.
that situation it is impossible to tell who would sway said girl and be allowed to date her. if shes straight, you got no chanse unless she feels like adventuring but its not advised for your well being. but if shes gay, then you have won. its hard when you have no clue which way she swings. but its a simple matter of just asking her. i hope womever you find attractive reciprocates the feelings, it sucks to be rejected.

i didnt wish for this

thats the title and the exact opposite of what i am supposed to do on wednesdays! killing two birds with one lion!

its been too long since we talked

i miss you and you cant be bothered to drop a line

now what am i supposed to do with these feelings of mine

its like you dropped off the face of the earth

as if we never were freinds, everything was all a lie

and when it ended,you couldnt be bothered to say good-bye

its knowing theres absolutely nothing i can do

to make everything the way it used to be between us

that hurts the most,like robots were outdated and weve begun to rust

its the worst when i remember how much of you i know

i knew this was eventually going to end and you wouldnt care

it just stung more when i needed you most and you werent there

its getting unbearable this kind of pain

i keep wondering what i did for you to keep on hurting me

like i deserve to be let down and left out to spoil continuously

its too much knowing i did all i could

and still i am nothing but a passer-by to you

when you are the reason i know about love what i do

its unfair how little i mean to you

when i sit by hoping someday you will call

while i lay in bed at night wishing i could forget it all

unlike most of my writing, this is only about a friend. not some girl i liked. i loved her, she was my friend. i guess she still is, we just arent as close as we used to be, and that hurts me. i used to know everything about her, and now we keep growing more and more distant. and sometimes i think about how close we used to be and how sad it is that we lost touch like that. i used to see her all the time and i knew everything about her-though it felt as if the knowledge was not reciprocated-and i thought i always would. i have always been good at remembering things most other people dont. like when i tell someone something important, what someone said that made a difference to me, the last time i cuddled. i guess thats why some people call me sweet. i need to look up the definition of that word, because i am described with it often.

sweetheart has a better definition:

a person loved by another person

a well-liked individual

a very attractive or seductive looking woman (!)

privilaged treatment of an individual

no need

let in the day
after a dark night
if youre still here
its time to give up the fight


its been too long
since you took a break
its too much pain
more than you can take


time now to let go
of things you cant fix
dont wanna look back
and want that kiss


need to learn
when its time to forget
have to learn to forgive
but no need to let go yet


wait for the day
to decide you cant stay
wait, hope, and pray
these feelings will go away




i have always had trouble with this concept. it comes up constantly in my writing. i know i need to let go. but when you held someone so beautiful and perfect in your hands and you watch it slip right through your fingers, how else am i supposed to react? i guess i need to take it a day at a time, but then each one feels so long. i wish i had taken a picture, it would have lasted longer than our friendship did.