i didnt wish for this

thats the title and the exact opposite of what i am supposed to do on wednesdays! killing two birds with one lion!

its been too long since we talked

i miss you and you cant be bothered to drop a line

now what am i supposed to do with these feelings of mine

its like you dropped off the face of the earth

as if we never were freinds, everything was all a lie

and when it ended,you couldnt be bothered to say good-bye

its knowing theres absolutely nothing i can do

to make everything the way it used to be between us

that hurts the most,like robots were outdated and weve begun to rust

its the worst when i remember how much of you i know

i knew this was eventually going to end and you wouldnt care

it just stung more when i needed you most and you werent there

its getting unbearable this kind of pain

i keep wondering what i did for you to keep on hurting me

like i deserve to be let down and left out to spoil continuously

its too much knowing i did all i could

and still i am nothing but a passer-by to you

when you are the reason i know about love what i do

its unfair how little i mean to you

when i sit by hoping someday you will call

while i lay in bed at night wishing i could forget it all

unlike most of my writing, this is only about a friend. not some girl i liked. i loved her, she was my friend. i guess she still is, we just arent as close as we used to be, and that hurts me. i used to know everything about her, and now we keep growing more and more distant. and sometimes i think about how close we used to be and how sad it is that we lost touch like that. i used to see her all the time and i knew everything about her-though it felt as if the knowledge was not reciprocated-and i thought i always would. i have always been good at remembering things most other people dont. like when i tell someone something important, what someone said that made a difference to me, the last time i cuddled. i guess thats why some people call me sweet. i need to look up the definition of that word, because i am described with it often.

sweetheart has a better definition:

a person loved by another person

a well-liked individual

a very attractive or seductive looking woman (!)

privilaged treatment of an individual

no need

let in the day
after a dark night
if youre still here
its time to give up the fight


its been too long
since you took a break
its too much pain
more than you can take


time now to let go
of things you cant fix
dont wanna look back
and want that kiss


need to learn
when its time to forget
have to learn to forgive
but no need to let go yet


wait for the day
to decide you cant stay
wait, hope, and pray
these feelings will go away




i have always had trouble with this concept. it comes up constantly in my writing. i know i need to let go. but when you held someone so beautiful and perfect in your hands and you watch it slip right through your fingers, how else am i supposed to react? i guess i need to take it a day at a time, but then each one feels so long. i wish i had taken a picture, it would have lasted longer than our friendship did.

i hope you find it, i wish you happiness

it seems beautiful for the time.


spotlight shone directly on me
my day has finally
(come)


can feel the heat rising to my face
realize enbarassment controls me if i
(let it)


know i should share and lean on you
too afraid to trust and let it
(all hang out)


know im not the greatest person
i dont want to look in the mirror
(so i can see)


but im not the only one hiding
not even im allowed to see
(what youve hidden.)


i can see what you try to deny
and ill be there to listen like
(ive always)


and maybe someday youll open up or leave
supposedly its better to have loved
and lost than to have never
(loved)


youre probably the best ill ever have
and believe me when i say
ill always be here for
(you.)





so i write poetry. i thought i'd start to share it. i hope you like it.

i wish wednesday

Rizzoli and Isles. everyone who's seen it knows that Angie Harmon acts a little queer on the show as Rizzoli. And im not complaining! if you want to sleep in the same bed with your "best friend" more power to you, only you know what happened that night. theres just something about her that screams "im a girl kisser" to me. if only if only. Angie harmon is as gay as rizzoli. yes, i just rhymed. desparate times call for desparate rhymes. okay, sorry ill stop. ill leave you to jsut soak up the gayity.

now that is a lady who, well i have no words for. she looks good. though it looks like shes twitching her left eye. hey, no ones perfect.

if you just happened to be walking by the empty room she is in while cleaning that gun, you might end up being her prisoner...doesnt sound too bad to me. where are the cuffs? i know she has them

i dont know what id give to recieve that stare from her, but if i tried to quantify it it would be between a dust bunny and both my arms and a leg. or anything inbetween. whatever she wanted.

fell too hard

so i fell too hard for this straight girl. yeah, straight. i first noticed her my sophmore year of highschool. and you know, i admired her beauty and natural talent. so i kinda followed her around like a puppy. and she didnt really notice, but when she did i was esctatic. then junior year i really started to fall for her. i fell asleep thinking of her, i woke up from dreams about her, and day dreamed about her.

i always fantasized about kissing her...it was starting to get pathetic though i didnt realize it at the time. i tried to talk to her, but was too intimidated to say much, so i resorted to texting. i knew she always had her phone but she somehow found a way to ignore me. and that just made me want her more-something about an impossiblity.

so i went on pining after her, and my friends started to get annoyed with my complaining. then a crazy idea popped into my head the summer inbetween junior and senior year. why not tell her? almost immediately i shot it down, but it kept creeping into my head whispering encouragement to tell her. and eventually i kept toying with it, and making up fake plans. i started talking about it outloud and then the plans became more real. i knew i couldnt face her when i told her, so i resorted to a note. ihad written out what i wanted to say so often the note took care of itself, but when to tell her?

eventually i just kept the note with me at all times. i decided to tell her six months after i came out to her, which i doubt she noticed the date. so i dropped it off in her hands and took off as fast as my legs would carry me. and she said it was fine, but then she started ignoring me. and just blocked me off. i thought whatever since i wont see you next year, but she kept fucking showing up. that was the worst because when she was around it was like i didnt exist. my friends were sympathetic but tiring of my constant bickering. she eventually just dropped off the radar, and i tried to let her go. it took till my senior year to get over her. three years. i fell too fucking hard. i never want to come close to that for a straight girl ever ever ever EVER again. the end.

best dream ever

ladies, i think i had the best dream i have ever had. it's simple yes, its short, and its sweet. heres what happened- i was living by the skin of my teeth, barely getting by. i was so poor i didnt know where i was sleeping that night or how i was gonna get food, but i had family and i had the love of my life with me. we had packs of our personal belongings, for me i had my journals, some clothes and other small things. those were the only things to our names, what was in those bags. but we felt alive, and we felt blissful.we went into fancy stored to try on new things, but always walked out empty-handed, and we were okay with that because what we lacked in physical posessions, we made up in making eachother happy. we always ended up aat salvation armies and the like thrift stores when we needed new clothes and no one really minded. we went on adventures to abandoned buildings and new cities everyday. and we were happy. when we laid our heads to sleep we had beside us someone we loved. my girlfriend and i were asleep on a used couch and we were cozy, we kept eachother warm. and in the morning, the love of my life woke before me and to wake me up she gently brushed my hair out of my face. i woke to see the shining, smiling face of this girl that i could not believe loved me. she was beautiful and kind and sweet and compassionate and understanding, and in love with someone like me. and i dont have the highest self esteem in the world, so it felt absolutely amazing to see such an incredible girl smiling at me as the first thing i see on a new day. for me, its the small things that make the difference for me. so when my girlfriend does something with such genuine gentleness was the most beautiful thing ever. and unfortunately for me, i woke up to find out it wasn't real. i had no girlfriend that loves me like that. yet. i guess a girl can dream.

requirement

so, as a lesbian, i am expected to go to all the gay parts of town right? well, i havent. and it is slightly shameful to admit it. and i desparately want to, i just havent had anyone to go with. even i know you cant go to gaytown alone, thats just asking for trouble. so i guess i will just have to settle for hooters and the like. sigh, i'd love it if someone would accompany me to boystown but the problem is, i have to girl to go with.
man, i wanna grind with hotties who can dance. oh, dancing is so sexy, if i had better rythm i would dance more often than i do now. any girl that can dance gets extra bonus points in my book. i cant wait to get my friends together to go out and party. gays always have better parties. boystown always sounds like so much fun, and i would like to be the judge of that.